


Peter Parker's Phone Calls

by TakaiTotem



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Gen, I Tried, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter is a Little Shit, Phone Calls & Telephones, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Teenagers, Tony Being Tony, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2018-12-26 06:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 5,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12053685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakaiTotem/pseuds/TakaiTotem
Summary: In which we remember that Peter is a teenager and teenagers do stupid things.*TAKING REQUESTS*





	1. Peter is scared of clowns

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you combine a 16-year-old with a laptop and a huge hydro flask full of coffee.

**1:00 am, New Avengers Facility**

“I could blow this thing to pieces. I could blow this thing to smithereens and finally get a full night of sleep.” 

_“Hello to you too, Mr. Stark.”_

“Cut the crap, kid. As much as it pains me to admit it and as hard as it is to believe, I need my beauty sleep. This billionaire, former-playboy, philanthropist keeps his face pretty by getting at least five hours of sleep. Now, tell me, what was so important that you needed to call me at thirteen o'clock? (Which is one o’clock in military time, if you didn’t know.)”

_“Thirteen o’clock is at one pm, not am.”_

“The point. Get to it before I get to your suit.”

_“Okay! I’m sorry!”_

“...”

_“... Can you come pick me up?”_

“What the hell, Parker?”

_“I’m sorry! MJ wanted to see the midnight screening of IT and May is out of town!”_

“She wanted to see what?”

_“IT.”_

“What the fuck did she want to see, Parker?”

_“IT! The movie about the clown!”_

“A movie about you? How narcissistic.”

_“Please, Mr. Stark…”_

“...”

_“...”_

“...”

_“...”_

“Stop with the damn puppy-dog eyes.”

_“How’d you know I was-”_

“I’m showing up in a helicopter and my jammies. If I’m embarrassing myself by picking up a couple of teenagers, I might as well do it in style.”

_“I’m sorry…”_

“Stop with the pity party. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t be dropping a ladder to you.”

_“Ow!”_

“Whoops. I did that on purpose.”

* * *

 

Once Tony pulled him up, Peter scratched the back of his head shamefully. The older man sighed, “It’s fine, kid. Seriously. I know what it’s like to want to go to a scary movie just to have some girl cling to you the entire time.” 

“Actually, I was holding him the entire time. He gets pretty squeamish around clowns.” a new voice snarked.

Both teen vigilante and billionaire turned to see Michelle standing there, a smirk on her face as she began to recount the night to Tony, all while Peter sat there miserably.


	2. Peter remembers him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to write this since Civil War came out.

**6:00 pm, Queens, New York**

“Hey.”

“...”

“It’s me, Peter.”

“...”

“... I'm sorry.”

“...”

“I'm sorry!”

“...”

“I’m so sorry!”

“...”

“Answer me! Please!”

“...”

“I know it’s my fault! I know I should’ve done something!”

“...”

“Damnit, say something! Anything!”

“...”

“This isn’t funny! I'm trying my best! Just SAY SOMETHING!”

“...”

“PLEASE!”

“...”

“... I've been doing better in school lately. I-I’m acing all of my classes again. Especially gym.”

“...”

“Ned’s being Ned, like always. Trying to convince me to go all Spider-Man on Flash and the others.”

“...”

“B-but I’ve never tried to, surprisingly. Not since…”

“...”

“Spider-Man’s doing great too. He’s an unofficial member of the Avengers. He got a new suit. He-he even stopped this guy from stealing a plane full of Stark Industries tech. He's a hero.”

“...”

“Spider-Man, he-I-I’ve taken full responsibility of my powers lately.”

“...”

“I finally told Mr. Stark about you. He-he’s nice. He understands me...”

“...”

“... but he’s not you. He could never be you. And I guess I always knew that, deep down. But I still need someone, y’know? He’s different, but he's cool. He’s always there for me and I care about him.”

“...”

“May’s doing okay. She still thinks about you every single day.”

“...”

“I met a girl. Her name is MJ, short for Michelle Jones. She knows about the ‘Stark Internship’ . She-she’s been my rock lately.”

“...”

“... I miss you.”

“...”

“Love you. Bye.”


	3. Peter blows up a toilet

**3:00 pm, Queens, New York**

“To what do I owe the displeasure?”

_“Ha, ha. I can always count on you for your support, Michelle.”_

“I tease. But seriously, what’s up?”

_“About how many pounds of rice do you think it would take to cover a titanium alloy suit?”_

“Peter, what the fuck?”

_“NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! HOW MUCH RICE DO YOU THINK IT WOULD TAKE?”_

“Would this suit happen to fit a man of about five feet, nine inches?”

_“YES!”_

“What did you do now?”

_“What makes you think it’s my fault?!”_

“Do you even realize what you just asked?”

_“...”_

“Exactly. Now what did you do?”

_“Okay, so I’m hanging out at Stark Industries. Mr. Stark and I are working on installing some new features to the Iron Man suit.”_

“Okay…”

_“Mr. Stark gets a call from Miss Potts saying something about a meeting. I tell him I can finish these upgrades for him while he attends it.”_

“Sounds fine so far.”

_“Literally ten seconds after Mr. Stark leaves, this guy with power over water breaks into the building.”_

“Oh my god.”

_“He and I fight, I lure him to a toilet and flush him down.”_

“I’m waiting for a ‘but’.”

_“BUT-”_

“Oh, here we go.”

_“-RIGHT AS I’M ABOUT TO WALK OUT, THE TOILET EXPLODES!”_

“Are you kidding me.”

_“NO! SO TOILET WATER IS FLOODING THROUGH THE HALLS! I WEB THE TOILET BACK TOGETHER AND GRAB A SHIT-TON OF SPONGES!_

“Here it comes…”

_“TURNS OUT, THE ARMOR SOMEHOW ENDED UP RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE BATHROOM!”_

“Was it because of your webbing-”

_“IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY WEBBING!”_

“Fun.”

_“SO NOW I’M HERE TRYING TO SALVAGE WHAT I CAN FROM A WET, MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR, ARMORED, EXOSKELETON SUIT! AND I’M POSITIVE THAT STARK IS ON HIS WAY BACK RIGHT NOW!”_

“You’re screwed. Run now and save your arachnid ass.”

_“M-maybe I can-”_

Michelle could faintly hear the sound of an elevator rising.

_“NEVER MIND! I’M OUT! SEE YA AT MY FUNERAL!”_

“If the old man kills you, can I have your web-shooters?”

_“I’MSCREWEDBYE!”_

* * *

 

When Tony got to his floor, he looked on in appreciation at the fairly-stable condition of the room.

“Man, I leave Peter alone for an hour and he manages keep the building from collapsing on him. I’ve got to give the kid a raise.” he mused as he found his way to the bathroom.

He was so occupied with his thoughts that he almost tripped over a heap of gold-titanium alloy and _what the fuck, Parker?_

On the iconic and expensive suit was a note that read, _‘I O U 1 SOOT -Spider-Man’_

If FRIDAY were online, she would’ve been alerted about Tony’s spike in blood pressure.


	4. Peter loves his aunt

**5:00 am, Brooklyn, New York**

“Yes, Peter?”

_ “Are you okay?” _

“Yes, I’m okay.”

_ “Where are you?” _

“I’m in my hotel room.”

_ “Do you have food?” _

“Honey, I should be the one taking care of you. Not the other way around.”

_ “But you’re so far away!” _

“I’m only on the other side of the state. Don’t worry so much.”

_ “Sorry…” _

“Okay, it’s my turn. Are you okay?”

_ “Yep.” _

“Do you have enough food?”

_ “Yep.” _

“Is Stark being a pain in the ass?”

_ “He’s a cool, old guy, May.” _

In the background, May could hear Tony’s shout of protest. She brought a hand up to her mouth to hold back her laughs.

_ “Okay, he’s a hot, young stud.” _

“How’s Spidey doing?”

_ “Saved a bus full of kids. It’s my most impressive catch, so far.” _

“If only you used that power for sports.”

_ “Can’t risk having anyone find out my secret. With great power comes great responsibility.” _

May choked up once the words left the phone.

“You’re becoming more like him everyday.”

_ “Hey, before I had Mr. Stark, I had him.” _

“Be safe. Please. I don’t want to come home to you dying in MJ’s arms after an attack from six bad guys.”

_ “I promise I’ll be careful. If I’m not, Mr. Stark will be the one killing me.” _

May rolled her eyes when she heard Tony’s words of agreement.

“I’ll be home in a few days. Remember to eat enough. Love you.”

_ “Love you too, bye.” _

Once May hung up, Peter looked back at the philanthropist who he was sparring with.

**“Your call has ended.”**

“Awesome. Ricochet Web!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely think Peter's gonna die after facing the Sinister Six, just like Ultimate Peter.


	5. Peter needs notes

**4:00 pm, Queens, New York**

_"Bro."_

"What, bro."

_"I need a bro favor."_

"What kind of bro favor?"

_"Notes."_

"What?"

_"Notes. Spanish."_

"What happened this time?"

_"O-KAY, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"_

"You webbed up the pages, didn't you?"

_"There was a bank robbery."_

"You forgot to zip your bag up again?"

_"My bag fell into a pool of acid."_

"Chitauri tech?"

_"Yeah..."_

"I'll ask my mom if you can sleep over for the night."

_"Sweet. Thanks. I'll ask May if I can bring my new Captain America costume."_

"You're literally Spider-Man."

_"Great idea. I can just put my costume on under my Spidey suit. Thanks, man!"_

* * *

 

After Peter hung up, Ned leaned back in his chair and continued to type his essay. That was when he saw Captain America web-sling into his window.

"HOLY SHIT!" was all he could hear as the costumed boy crashed into a shelf.

Peter slowly lifted himself off of the ground and staggered over to Ned's bed. The taller boy's eyes gleamed in awe and he went over to poke the other male.

"Hey, Ned."

"Hey, Pete."

"..."

"That hurt."

 


	6. Peter prank calls someone

**3:00 am, Queens, New York**

In his bed, Flash Thompson groaned and turned over, trying to ignore the incessant buzzing coming from his desk. He tossed and turned before sighing and unlocking his phone, soon to be greeted by a very deep and monstrous voice.

"Hello...?"

 

 

**_"Your lack of faith disturbs me."_ **

"... What...?"

**_"Flash, I am your father."_ **

"..."

Startled, the boy stuck his head into the hallway and looked around. "Dad?"

**_"You don't know the power of the dark side."_ **

"Who the hell is this?"

**_"Knock, knock."_ **

"Who's this-"

**_"Boo."_ **

"Boo who?"

**_"Stop crying, you lil' shit."_ **

"Dad, I swear, if this is actually you-"

**_"Ohana means family."_ **

"Okay..."

**_"And family means you're a lil' shit."_ **

"Okay, this is getting annoying-"

**_"Knock, knock."_ **

"-I just wanna know who this is-"

**_"Europe."_ **

"... Europe who?"

**_"EUROPE PIECE OF SHIT!"_ **

"That's hurtful..."

**_"Aw, don't worry, Eugene. You're a ten in my eyes."_ **

Flash suddenly started to smile, tears in his eyes.

**_"A TEN ON THE PH SCALE BECAUSE YOU'RE BASIC!"_ **

* * *

 

Where Peter and Ned were, they were busy dying with laughter at the sound of Flash's incoherent blubbering and sobs.

"Peter, why is that Flash kid running downtown in his Hello Kitty boxers?" Tony asked as he walked in.

"H-H-HE HAS HELLO KITTY BOXERS!" Peter choked out, falling to the ground as he held his stomach in laughter.

Scratching his head, Tony slowly backed out of the room. Damn kids.

 


	7. Peter’s Happy Days

**7:00 am, New Avengers Facility**

”Happy speaking.”

_”Hey, Happy!”_

”Oh, good lord.”

_”It’s great to hear your voice too. Anyway-“_

”I never said that, kid.”

_”Right. Anyway, I have a huge favor to ask you and I’m sorry for putting this onto you but Mr. Stark is in a meeting and Miss Potts is looking at wedding dresses and May is at work and-“_

”Alright, alright. It’s fine, kid. This may be my job but you’re honestly a fun kind of annoying. What do you need?”

_”Thanks, man! Anyway, I was gonna ask if you could teach me how to drive-“_

”No.”

_”But I-“_

”No.”

_”-minimum of sixty hours-“_

”No.”

_”We can stop by and get a bunch of people to pay for a picture with Spider-Man.”_

”I’m ignoring the voice in my head telling me it’s a trap.”

_”Twenty bucks per picture.”_

”Be there in ten.”

* * *

 

”GOD DAMNIT, KID!”

”I’M PRESSING DOWN ON THE BRAKES!”

”THAT’S THE GAS PEDAL!”

”WHAT DOES PRINDOL MEAN!”

”ITS NOT PRINDOL, YOU DUMBASS!”


	8. Peter hates alliterative names

**12:00 am, Queens, New York**

"Hello?"

_"HEY, SPIDEY!"_

"Oh no."

_"Aw, come on, kid. Is that how you talk to all of your friends?"_

"Dude. We met like three times and two of those times you were trying to steal my web-shooters."

_"I WASN'T TRYING TO STEAL THEM! I WAS JUST TRYING TO SEE IF I COULD MAKE SPIDER-PANTS!"_

"That's not how it works."

_"AHAHAHAHA, SPIDER-PANTS FOR SPIDER-MAN!"_

"Wade, don't you have anything better to do-"

_"SPIDER-PANTS, SPIDER-PANTS! USED TO CO-VER THE SPIDER-MAN'S DICK!"_

"Oh my god."

_"Hey, Spidey. Are you bi?"_

"You're trying to set me up for a very stupid pun."

_"Because if you are, I guess you could say that you-"_

"Finish that joke and I will end you."

 _"_ -SWING  _BOTH WAYS! AHAHAHAAHAH!"_

"Wade, I swear-"

_"We should get jobs at the Daily Bugle."_

"What are you going on about now?"

_"Well, I'm Wade Wilson, right?"_

"Yeah..."

_"And you're Peter Parker!"_

"Yes, we went through this back when you took off my mask to make me go streaking."

_"Well, J. Jonah Jameson, the publisher and editor-in-chief, only likes to hire people who have alliterative names."_

"Wade, I'm fifteen. Plus I'm pretty sure that guy hates me."

_"Oh, honey, why do you think that?"_

"Spider-Man: Threat or Menace?"

_"Should've been; Who's Hotter? Spider-Man or Deadpool?"_

"Wade."

_"Then again, even I would vote for you, kid."_

"Wade."

_"How have you not fucked anyone yet? Like holy shit, you look exactly like Tom Holland-"_

"WADE!"

_"Yes, Baby Bop?"_

"Why are you on the news?"

_"Oh, assassination attempt gone wrong."_

"AND WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR ARM?"

_"The bad guy took it. Jesus, Peter, keep up."_

"WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME EARLIER?"

_"Ummm, I DID call you! That's why we're talking right now."_

"I fucking- I'm suiting up right now. Hang tight."

_"HA! MORE SPIDER PUNS! AHAHAHAHAHAYOURMIDDLENAMEISBENJAMINAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any suggestions or requests, I'm down to write them. This is my favorite story to write.


	9. Peter likes spiders

**3:00 pm, Avengers Facility**

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, Peter."

_"Oh hey, Nat."_

Natasha smiled at the nickname her fellow spider had opted to use.

"Are you still up for our sparring session later today?"

_"I- uhm- can't. I'm kinda- uh- busy."_

"Aw, come on. Scared you'll get your ass beaten again?"

Natasha heard a few shifts and a gasp before he responded.

_"N-no, it's not that."_

"Come on, Spidey. What's up?"

_"J-just not i-uh-in the mood right now."_

Natasha raised a brow.

"Parker, what the hell are you doing?"

Natasha nearly choked as she heard a female voice in the background say,  _'More like_ who  _are you doing.'_

"PETER!"

_"C-call you back later, Nat."_

Stunned and thoroughly disgusted, Natasha went the training room to punch the memories away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap I haven't updated this fic in ages. My bad. Anyway, Bucket_of_Stars, I will be getting to your chapter in a bit. I wanted to do something a little light-hearted and dirty first.


	10. Peter has a nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND HERE WE HAVE MY FINALLY FULFILLING Bucket_Of_Stars's REQUEST! HAPPY HOLIDAYS

**1:00 am, Avengers Facility**

"God damnit, kid. What is it this time?"

_"Are you okay...?"_

Tony paused as he heard the soft, uneven voice that Peter spoke in.

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?"

_"..."_

"Peter, talk to me. You're acting like you've seen a ghost."

_"I kinda did."_

"What sort of drugs are you on?"

_"I didn't see an actual ghost, but I had a bad dream."_

Nightmares. Nightmares were something Tony was familiar with. Just maybe not used to comforting other people about.

"What was it, Underoos?"

_"It was about my uncle."_

Tony paused once more. Of course he knew about Ben Parker. Even before Peter told him, he'd dug into the boy's files enough to see a connection between the birth of Spider-Man and the death of Ben. Tony took in a breath.

_"He- he was shot. Over and over. And each time he was screaming that I failed him, that it was all my fault, that this will happen again and I would lose someone else."_

"..."

_"And then- and then-"_

Peter devolved into a fit of hiccups and sobs.

"Stay with me, Peter."

_"You died."_

Tony held his breath.

_"You died against the Hammer Drone. The one you saved me from when I was a kid. You fucking died and I could've done something and-"_

"Peter."

_"..."_

"It was just a dream. Ben would never hold any of that against you. He loves you. You can't let your failures outweigh your victories or else it proves that you don't deserve that suit."

_"..."_

"And I'm not going anywhere, kid. Someone has to watch over you to make sure you don't mess up, even though there are very few times when you actually DO."

_"..."_

"You said your uncle always told you, 'With great power comes great responsibility'. This is the great responsibility. You're a hero. If I'm being completely honest, I believe that when you grow up, you're going to be the best out of all of us. And the fear never goes away. The guilt stays. But you learn that it doesn't have as much power over you if you don't focus on it. You're a gifted kid, Peter. You're strong, you're smart, and you're a good person. You're doing great. And we love you."

 _I love you._ Tony chose not to say. The other end of the line was silent for a few beats, as Peter took everything in.

_"Th-thanks, Mr. Stark."_

"Any time, kid. You'll be over here in the morning, right?"

_"Yeah!"_

"Great. I want to work on a few new Web Combinations."

_"Awesome!"_

Tony chuckled.

_"And Mr. Stark? Thanks for being a great father."_

Tony froze and smiled a heartfelt smile.

"Good night, kid."

_"Good night, Tony."_


	11. Peter isn't in this chapter until the very end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we're getting to StormBerryMC's request. I'll get to the one about Peter being high soon, don't worry.

**11:00 pm, Avengers Facility**

"Shouldn't you be asleep right now, kid? It's a school night."

_"This, uh, this isn't P-Peter, sir."_

Tony's blood froze.

"Who is this?"

The billionaire heard an audible gulp.

_"M-My name's Flash Thompson, sir."_

"Well, Flash (stupid name, by the way), Peter's told me about you and it seems like you two don't exactly get along."

_"Yeah, a-about that-"_

"Save it. What I want to know is why do you have my kid's phone and why did you decide to call me of all people?"

He heard the boy on the other end of the line breathe shakily.

_"Peter's hurt, sir."_

And just like that, Tony's entire world stopped. The man immediately climbed out of bed and descended down the stairs to suit up, staying on the line only to attempt to calm his worries (it didn't work).

"The hell happened, Flash?"

_"I-I don't kn-"_

"Cut the bullshit before I fly over there. Hulk's fury has nothing on me right now."

_"I-I really don't know! We were having a decathlon social when these guys broke into the school!"_

"Tell me everything."

_"They had some really advanced weapons that glowed with purple energy."_

_Chitauri tech..._ Tony mentally gasped.

_"We tried to lock down the room but they broke in. Peter, the decathlon team, and I were hiding but they pulled a pistol on Mr. Harrington, our team adviser."_

"And then what happened?" Tony asked as he stepped into the Iron Man suit, switching the call to his hands-off software installed within the armor.

_"Peter stepped out and tried to reason with them."_

"Stupid kid..."

_"They had none of it and told him to back down or they'll shoot one of the kids. They aimed the gun at Michelle, and that was when Peter began to fight them."_

Tony shook his head as he zoomed through the sky to the hospital nearest to Midtown.

_"He managed to disarm a few of them, but one of them pulled a knife and stabbed Peter in side."_

For once, Tony didn't have any witty remarks. Because  _this was his kid._

"Please tell me I don't have to go on a rampage to look for some lowlife thugs."

_"Peter held them off long enough for the police to arrive. Michelle kept applying pressure to Peter's wound while Ned told us to call our parents. Mr. Harrington told me to call one of Peter's emergency contacts and you were the only one aside from his aunt."_

Tony swallowed down his oncoming panic attack as he landed in front of the hospital. The suit opened up to let him out and compressed into a small tube that fit into his back pocket.

"That's all I needed to hear from you. Stay safe, Flash. And try not to piss me off. I'm heading to Peter's room right now."

_"Y-yeah."_

* * *

 

Everyone in the room turned when they heard the door slam open. Standing there, in all his glory, was Tony Stark himself. The billionaire tuned out the whispers of the teenagers in the room and slowly inched towards the bed. Lying there, in a hospital gown, lips pale and breath labored, was Peter Parker. The boy lazily lifted his head up and smiled weakly at the approaching man.

"Hey, man." he greeted, already panting from the strain on his body. The man simply walked up to him and took his head into a gentle cradle. Peter blinked.

"Never scare me like that again, you little shit." Tony growled affectionately.

"No promises." Peter chuckled softly.

"YOU KNOW TONY FUCKING STARK!"


	12. Peter is out of it

**1:23 am, Avengers Facility**

"What is it now, kid?"

"Ees Toe-knee dere?"

"... What?"

"Toe-knee Star..."

"..."

"... K! Starrr-k."

"Peter, what-"

"Oh hey Miss-tour Starrrk!"

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"Em-Jay took me an' Ned t'a par-tee!"

"Peter, please tell me you didn't-"

"The foooood tay-sted weeeeiiiirdddd."

"Oh, my god."

"Yeahhhh. Can yoo peek us up please cheese?"

"I'm never letting you three out of my sight on New Years again."


	13. Peter sees a duck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is partially born from the mind of Storygirl000. She suggested that I write a crossover chapter between this story and my other fic, "Send Read Receipts", a chatfic similar to this story in the sense that it's written in an unorthodox fashion. Basically, this takes place between chapters 5 and 6 of Read Receipts, during the attack of Crackers the Duck (long story).

**1:15 pm, Midtown Tech**

"Hello?"

_"PARKER, HEEEEELP MEEEEEEE!"_

"Wade, what the actual hell?"

_"GET OFF YOUR ACTOR'S BRITISH ASS AND HELP DAMNIT!"_

"I'm still in school and I'm supposed to be taking notes."

_"WELL, SORRY, THOMAS STANLEY, BUT I'M CURRENTLY BEING CHASED BY A GENETICALLY-MODIFIED DUCK!"_

"A genetically-modified WHAT NOW?"

Peter's eyes widened as his outburst attracted the attention of several of his classmates (he wisely chose to ignore the heckle of 'Penis Parker!' that was sent his way). The boy grimaced, embarrassed, before politely asking to be excused to the bathroom.

_"THERE WERE REPORTS OF A PORTAL OPENING UP OVER MANHATTAN SO MY HOT ASS DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE AND HOLY SHIT!"_

"Wade, stay with me."

_"CRACKERS HAS FUCKING LASER VISION, PARKER!"_

"'Crackers'?"

_"I'M NOT BEING RACIST, THE SUPERPOWERED DUCK IS LITERALLY NAMED CRACKERS!"_

"Deadpool, you're an experienced Merc with a Mouth-"

_"HA HAAAAA!"_

"- who's faced literal cosmic threats. Why is a duck giving you trouble?"

_"BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAVE THE INNOCENTS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!"_

"Innocents?"

_"THE DUCK IS CARRYING THREE KIDS; ONE LANKY ASS BLONDE BOY, ONE SKUNK-HAIRED GUY, ONE ELEVEN YEAR OLD-"_

Peter could faintly hear an indignant, 'I'M THIRTEEN!'

_"- AND THERE'S SOME TIGER-THEMED DUMBASS TRYING TO WEIGH THE DUCK DOWN WITH HIS GRAPPLING-HOOK HAND!"_

"Wade, what kind of drugs are you on and who should I report to the NYPD?"

_"JUST HAUL YOUR ARACHNID ASS OVER HERE SO THIS CROSSOVER DOESN'T GO ON FOR TOO LONG!"_

"Swinging over. Have you tried shooting it?"

_"IT STOLE MY GUN! SHITSHITSHIT!"_

"Oh god here we go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter proceeded to get his ass beaten faster than he did when facing Thanos. Crackers ended up opening another portal and promptly abandoned Earth-199999, but not without thoroughly traumatizing our young Web-Head.


	14. Peter and Tony's prank war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s dedicated to Gre3nleaf. Holy shit it's been a while.

**7:45 pm, Avengers Facility**

”Hey, kid.”

_”Hey, Mr. Stark! Hehehehhehehehehhehehhhimsosorryhehehehe..."_

"... What?"

_"Can you maybe not go down to the lab today?"_

"Why?"

_"NOTHING! Nothing, I just... forgot to clean up the web fluid from last time!"_

"It's fine, Peter. I'll clean it up myself."

_"NO!"_

"There's no webbing anywhe- WHAT THE FUCK?"

_"I'M SORRY!"_

"HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS PAST FRIDAY?!"

**"I was aware of Peter's juvenile practical joke, boss. I even assisted Mr. Parker in planning for this 'April Fools Prank'."**

"THERE'S WHIPPED CREAM EVERYWHERE!"

_"I-I-I-"_

"Not another word from you, Underoos."

Tony seethed as he heard Peter's booming laughter through the phone's speaker. However, he suddenly smirked.

"Well, I guess that makes me feel less horrible for implementing that one protocol into your suit."

Peter's laughter stopped.

_"What?"_

"Karen. Execute Attitude Adjuster Protocol #4."

_**"Very well, Mr. Stark."** _

_"Wha-?! Karen, where are we going?!"_

**_"We are en route to the Jones household, Peter."_ **

_"WHAT?!"_

"Michelle wanted to recreate that one Spider-Man vine. I think you know which one I'm talking about."

_"MR. STARK, PLEASE HAVE MERCY!"_

"It's not my fault your girlfriend thinks you have a spank-able ass."

_"KAREN, ABORT! ABORT!"_

**_"That function is currently unavailable."_ **

_"TONY-"_

"Use protection, kid! See ya!"


	15. Peter is surprised at school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for Fangirlnerd001

**10:42 am, Midtown School of Science and Technology**

"Mr. Stark?"

_"Hey, kid!"_

The man had an unusually jolly tone to his voice that thoroughly unnerved the young vigilante. The fact that for once,  _Tony_ was the one calling  _him_ didn't help.

"What's up?"

_"I'm guessing your school posted about an assembly on their social media accounts?"_

"Yeah! We're apparently getting a renowned guest speaker from one of the most illustrious companies in the world. I'm pretty excited-"

Peter froze once he heard Tony's snickering on the other end of the line.

"W-why are you laughing?"

_"You'll see."_

"Mr. Stark, please don't tell me it's you."

_"Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!"_

"WHAT?"

"What's wrong, loser?" MJ asked, walking along his right. Ned was on his left and they both were eavesdropping on the conversation between the mentor and protege.

"Nothing!" Peter yelped, hiding his phone behind his back. He eyed the bathroom sign they were closing in on as he gave a small gesture. "I- I- I just have to use the restroom! See you guys in P.E.!"

He ran into the bathroom, lips curving into a frown as he heard more of Tony's borderline-evil laughter.

_"'I- I- I have to use the restroom!' AHAHAHAHAHA!"_

"It's not funny!"

_"IT'S HILARIOUS!"_

"Why would you do this to me?!"

_"Aw, come on, kid. Don't you guys still have that 'Take You Parent to School Day'?"_

"One, that's for grade-schoolers and two, you technically aren't my father."

_"Technically?"_

"I MEAN LITERALLY!"

_"Technically."_

"STOP!"

_"Peter, do you see me as a father-figure?"_

"NO! I- I see you as a bother figure! Because you're always bothering me!"

 _"Don't talk to your father figure like that!"_ Pepper Potts screamed through the speaker. This made Tony laugh even harder and Peter was positive that he was as red as a tomato.

 _"See you later,_ son _."_

* * *

Peter sank into his seat in the bleachers as he, Ned, and MJ watched Tony Stark in the middle of their gymnasium, giving a particularly intriguing lecture about particle acceleration. However, all Peter could think about was not being called out by Iron Man himself.

"Dude, this is awesome!" Ned whisper-shrieked to him. " _Tony_ frickin _Stark_ is in _our_ school!

"Yeah, in all his misogynistic glory," MJ grumbled, crossing her arms. "How he got someone like Pepper Potts is beyond me."

"He's not that bad." Peter argued softly, shrugging.

 **"Is Peter Benjamin Parker in the crowd at the moment?"** Stark's voice boomed from the gym's speakers.

Suddenly, all eyes turned and focused on the fifteen year old vigilante, whose face was beginning to look like a bottle of Sriracha. From where he was slumped down in his seat, he could see the gold-titanium armor begin to pull away from Tony's body, revealing the mechanic in the flesh. He met Peter's gaze and smirked.

"Parker!" he called, voice laced with delight. "Come on down, kid!"

"He's much worse." Peter groaned to MJ, who was busy containing her laughter. The vigilante rose to his feet and shakily descended down the steps of the bleachers, eventually buckling his way to Tony.

The man's smirk widened.

"Mr. Parker, you're doing well." Tony greeted, eliciting a few gasps from the crowd.

Peter knew exactly why.

His peers had been skeptical about his 'internship'. More than a few people had done the research and realized that there was nothing to be found online about some sort of student grant being offered by Stark Industries. Nothing about Tony Stark having an underage intern either. Peter recalls telling Tony about all of the ire this got him from his peers, who called bullshit.

Oh.

As Tony extended an arm, Peter stiffly brought his up as well and shook the man's hand with caution. He could see the sincerity in the man's eyes and that made him gulp.

"This boy- this young man- is among the most prodigious and gifted people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing," he began, wrapping an arm around the boy's shoulders. "He has designed technology on par with some of my best scientists, and with little more than one percent of the resources."

As he looked Peter in the eye once more, the silent message was conveyed to the boy.

_'You deserve it.'_


	16. Tony tries to call *INFINITY WAR SPOILERS*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR. SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED IT

**3:00 AM, Avengers Compound**

”Hello?”

”...”

”I’m not giving up on you, kid.

”...”

”Why the hell were you apologizing?”

”...”

”I don’t get it. I don’t get why you came along for the ride. I don’t get why you tried to protect everyone. I don’t get why you fucking apologized for  _dying._ ”

”...”

”I don’t even know why I’m doing this. I’ve tried using B.A.R.F. It never works. I can never convince you to stay on the ground. I can never convince you to stay calm because  _none of it was your fault._ ”

”...”

”Maybe it’s because I hope that someday, somehow, I’ll be able to prevent all of this. Maybe, after kissing and making up with Cap, we can save the day; we can save  _you._ ”

”...”

”Maybe it’s because, since I couldn’t protect you, I can hope to avenge you.”

”...”

”I was planning to give you the Iron Spider suit for your seventeenth birthday. You’ve really come a long way, buckaroo.”

”...”

”... You did good, kid. You did great, even.”

”...”

”We’ll avenge you. I promise.”

”...”


	17. Peter has a party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, time for the lighthearted chapters again :3 kinda

**5:00 pm, Queens**

"Hello?"

_"Hey, kid! Happy and I are on our way to pick you up right now."_

"Aw, Mr. Stark, I'm tired. Can I just stay home?"

_"No. You promised me you'd attend this party. All of the Avengers are attending it."_

"But you wouldn't let me invite MJ or Ned!"

_"The team won't take kindly you and your girlfriend sucking face. Or you and your best friend having nerd talks."_

"I'm seventeen! I should be allowed to make my own decisions now!"

_"Well, you aren't when it comes to the parties."_

"I DIDN'T DIE ON TITAN FOR THIS!"

_"Peter, please stop talking. We're pulling up right now."_

"I DON'T WANNA GO!"

_"OH, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"_

"I DON'T WANNA GO, MR. STARK, PLEASE!"

_"I'M COMING UP RIGHT NOW. YOU BETTER BE IN YOUR TUX OR I SWEAR TO GOD-"_

"KAREN, ACTIVATE THE PARTY POOPER PROTOCOL!"

_"What the f-"_

**"All comm links to Mr. Stark have been disabled for the next twenty-four hours."**

"Sweet. Let's get out of here."

**"Gladly, Peter."**


	18. Peter gets the talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Request from I_WIll_Not_Be_Afraid

**4:36 am, Queens**

"Hello...?"

_"Happy birthday, kid!"_

"Thank you, Mr. Stark... But it's four am."

_"Eh. It's the perfect time to talk to you about things now that you're less of a Spiderling and more of a Spider-Man."_

"Things?..."

_"Sex."_

"WOAH, MR. STARK, I'M SEVENTEEN! PLUS YOU'RE LIKE A FATHER TO ME!"

_"Kid, I didn't mean it like that-"_

"NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU'RE ENGAGED AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT WE'RE BOTH INTO WOMEN-"

_"KID!"_

"Nani?!"

_"What the fuck."_

"Sorry. Anyway, what?"

_"I meant that I was gonna give you the birds and the bees talk."_

"Sir, I already know what sex is-"

_"I recall Nat telling me about the time she called you over to train at the compound."_

"Which time?"

_"She said, and I quote, 'I just called Peter and the little shit had a full blown conversation with me wHILE HE WAS HAVING SEX!'"_

"Shit-"

_"SO, AS YOUR FORMER-PLAYBOY FATHER-FIGURE, I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE THIS MATTER INTO MY OWN, MUCH MORE CAPABLE HANDS!"_

"Please have mercy-"

_"RULE NUMBER ONE: USE A CONDOM!"_

"I'd VERY MUCH prefer to not have this conversation right now-"

_"It's better to talk about it at this hour so it stays fresh in your mind throughout the day."_

"I feel uncomfortable."

_"RULE NUMBER TWO: KINKS AND TOYS!"_

"NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE NOT DOING THIS!"

_"I'LL FIND YOU, KID! WE'RE FINISHING THIS TALK!"_

"PARTY POOPER PROTOCOL!"

_"OVERRIDE THE PARTY POOPER!"_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

_"Peter?... Peter?.... DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST JUMP OUT OF YOUR WINDOW?!"_

_"..."_

_"GOD DAMN IT KID"_


	19. Peter calls on his anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic became one year old on September 10th and I missed it because of hurricanes and shit.  
> I am so sorry.

**10:28 am, Hawaii**

**"Hello?"**

I heard a few shifts and the rummaging of the phone's receiver before the person on the other end of the line spoke up.

"Mʀ. Sᴛᴀʀᴋ, ᴄᴀɴ I sᴀʏ ᴀ ʙᴀᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴅ?" whispered the voice at the other end of the line. After a muffled back-and-forth banter, I pulled away from the phone and clutched my pulsing orifice known as my ear.

"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

**"HELLO TO YOU TOO, SPIDEY!"**

"You're twenty days late on this!"

**"I'm sorry! I've been busy with school and work and drama slash theatre stuff and-"**

"And what about your readers? Or Mr. Stark? Or MJ? Or Ned? They've been waiting for you!"

**"I understand that and-**

"YOU HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE SHURI CHAPTER YET!"

**"Wait, _what?_ "**

"YEAH! YOU ONLY TYPED UP THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER AND LIKE FOUR VINE REFERENCES!"

**"Oh shit."**

I heard Peter sigh.

"We know you've been busy. But you began this fic as a way to cope with your stress and it reignited your passion for writing! People enjoy reading your stories, Totem. I enjoy  _being in_ your stories. You've made a lot of people laugh and cry."

**"I know. I'm sorry."**

"It's not your fault. This chapter is in no way canon to the rest of the story anyway. At this point, I'm pretty sure I've just become an outlet for your subconscious thoughts."

**"True. I'll get to continuing my other stories ASAP, I promise."**

"Cool. Everyone says hi, by the way."

**"No problem. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it."**

 

 


End file.
